Sometimes things can be so clear in your head, and this is no feeling you are used to. You’re looking through a window onto the inside. You see them – the rebel, the dreamer, the thug turned poet, the runner, the warrior dressed up as a citizen of a civilized country, the yeller, the clown – all of them rolled into one person-sized package. Excitement. Engage, we have contact. You look outside and the country is filled with sorrow and fun and music and work and all the things that make up a existence and you think that man, it’s alright it’s cool it’s under control and still running smoothly. You feel the wave of this ever-flowing thing that surrounds you and it calms you even more. Excitement. You wonder how it will feel, will you still remember how to do things properly, don’t wanna make haste today. So you take it slow and enjoy every little second, while thinking about the poet and how he forgot the feel of your lips on his. Something inside that you wanna say, say it out loud it will be ok. Then this thought takes you further into another thought, something that that girl said in the movie, she was talking about how you cannot trust your feelings because they keep changing all the time and then her grandmother said something really nice and she felt better. Better better better, it’s getting better all the time. And then your thoughts travel a little bit deeper, remembering the question asked some weeks ago about how you love, and how you really didn’t have a clear answer in your head at the time. So you wanted to say something just to not shut up and not show that you have no idea, but somehow managed to avoid it altogether, phew! And now you know —
Smoked my stuff and drank all my wine. And wrote this while making dinner for tomorrow. As my hands were busy working overtime with the tuna and the salad and the fruits, my mind was writing this, much better than what I am actually writing now when I are not working with the tuna. and the salad. and the fruits. It was better I admit, but what to do, I am build like this that I forget quickly. And I had a great title too, worked really well. Baah, it’s all part of the process anyway.
Excitement. Falling in and out, in and out, like a rocking chair, like a weak internet connection, or like a blinking lighthouse. And now my mind is running again towards some place or some feeling.
I cannot know for sure what being strong means, because it’s just such a general concept. I can only observe people and think about what they are going through and put myself in their place or maybe sometimes put somebody else in my place and see how they would take it. You know, I wake up and I see the morning light and I start a thought in my head, something about let’s say forests. And then as I take my walk to the station I see the huge ficus tree in the garden on my left and it just makes me wanna touch it with my palm. Orange trees filled with bright fruit give me shade and make me wanna explode a novel on a napkin, and then maybe I will see the young boys from the school skipping classes and smoking by the fence, looking to the other side of the street where the school for girls is and maybe then I might change my train of thought completely. And while I recline against the bus sign and light my cigarette and see it burn, I will calm myself a little and enjoy the sun and just being there, waiting at 7:20 in the morning. So maybe my whole day will be like this. Little fragments of impressions, some more strong or lasting or memorable than others. And if all day we keep our hearts at bay like this, how not to say that we are strong even for daring to go outside? Of course we are strong, because souls like ours who get a feeling even from the rumble of the sidewalk when the tram passes by are just made for this, made for the world, to download it all into our hearts and just live the feeling live the feeling live the feeling. We are not weak, if we were we wouldn’t have gotten here – the volume would have been just too much. But since it wasn’t…
And now it’s oh so quiet, it’s oh so still, I’m all alone and so peaceful until…

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